Why setting goals isnt always the secret to success

Why umgebung goals isnt always the secret to successWhy setting goals isnt always the secret to successFeeling like youve achieved success can make all the hard work worth it, whether youre hustling onyour own businessorowning your role on a team. Are you feeling stuck or lost on how to reach your next milestone?Sasha Heinz, a psychologist and life coach who focuses on emotional and behavioral change, recently reminded us that growth and achievement require much mora than simply setting some goals. Your values, relationship withfear and failure, and the questions you ask yourself along the way all have a big impact.Brit + Co Weve always relied on goals to point us in the right direction. When do you think setting goals is useful, and when, if ever, can they cause harm?Sasha HeinzGoals are important because knowing where youd like to go is useful when setting out on a journey. But too often goals are something people do to themselves as they doggedly try to outrun their shame, rather than something they do for themselves to grow, develop, and challenge themselves to their edge.When I work with overachievers, I ask them to wait on setting a big goal until after weve spent a significant amount of time exploring and identifying their 10 core values (what I call Vital Values). Think about it like this If your goal is the destination, then your values are the navigation system. Life is unpredictable, and you may not arrive at the exact location you pinned on the map, but if youre following your Vital Value Navigation System, youll like and respect the person you grow into no matter where you end up and - trust me - youre far more likely to enjoy the ride.B+C You hear heaps of questions each day while working with clients. What types of common asks are generally unproductive? Why are behauptung questions, in particular, most problematic?SHThe quality of the world we see is (to a large degree) determined by the quality of our questions. So what kind of questions do y ou ask yourself? Im going out on a limb here, but Id guess that they might often be judgmental and therefore unproductive. Do any of these sound familiar to you?Whats wrong with me?Why do I always say the wrong thing?Why is he such a jerk?Why is everything always so hard?The problem with these questions is that the answers to them are extremely unhelpful they narrow your focus to what you perceive *isnt* working. Then youre more likely to drop into a shame spiral, rather than feel motivated to take action.B+C That makes perfect sense. Can you give us some guidance on reframing questions for more inspiring results?SHYou need to practice asking powerful questions that offer you useful, expansive, and creative answers. So, instead of asking why nothing ever goes your way, try asking a question with a positive assumption already embedded into the answer. For example, How much evidence can I find that things have gone my way? Once you practice asking this kind of question, youll stop hit ting dead ends and find yourself less stuck.B+C How about failure? Why do you think we might feel afraid of being stuck, missing out, or making mistakes in the first place?SHThe mere anticipation of failure (and its two handmaidens, disappointment and shame) can dissuade the best of us from going after our big goals and dreams. I believe were afraid of failure because we cant stand to sit with the negative emotions failing can generate.I mean, whens the last time you thought, Disappointment, sadness, embarrassment, and shame Whatever, no biggie? Never. People are uncomfortable with these emotions. So in order to avoid them, what do we do? We fail in advance. We quit. We give up. We distract ourselves. We pretend not to care. But no matter how hard we try to numb those feelings, they remain deep, buried, and still powerful.B+C How do you think we can improve our relationship with failure? Wed love any tips you have for ditching fear of it and sitting with tough feelings when they spr ing up.SHI know its a tough sell, but to improve our relationship with failure, we have to open ourselves up to these deeply uncomfortable emotions. The more we are willing to sit with negative feelings - disappointment, anxiety, fear, doubt, and the most dreaded of all, shame - the more well be able to achieve.So how can you intentionally become more open to negative emotion? Start small and feel safe. Set a timer for two minutes, and visualize a time in your life when you experienced a failure. Ask yourselfWhat emotion do I feel?Where do I feel that emotion inmy body?What color is it?Is it fast or slow?If the emotion were a substance, what consistency would it be?Spend a few minutes observing how you feel the emotion physically. After the buzzer goes off, come back to a warm, safe place in your mind, and thank yourself for being willing to dive into the shadows.This article was originally published on Brit + Co.